What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 07:08
My life is so biszare .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
What's the most sordid activity you've ever seen or heard about at a bachelorette party?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is soul school!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
What movies have not aged well?
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We all went to grammer schools
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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She married twice! .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Is it sinful for Christians to look at beautiful women?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
What transforms the philosophical intellect?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were not on the streets..
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
What is your favourite true story to tell at a party?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What are some great short jokes?
Ive learnt so much.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why are white women dating more black guys than ever?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When do you start "growing old"?
But it wasn’t much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Would this be the day?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was seconnd youngest,
Why did i forgive my father ?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When she asked me how she looked .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Especially a lifetime of it.
One cannot live in the past .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Put me off passion for life!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It was going to be , some day.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
All the time i was locked up.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I never cut or harmed myself..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was scared of men, in general
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Im still living with it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was in good health!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Was to survive, this bastard.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My family never makes their pension either.
I said to her
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
I think the readers, may guess!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What did i know ?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So, i spoilt her more .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Comes on , in middle age.
I don,t even have a pension.
I write beautiful poetry .
She found it foreign!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i lived it daily.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
I was very sick at this time too.
Who then, do I blame.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But, we were locked up after school.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I waited trembling.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..